OtPS: A Better Me

For serious this time, y'all!

For the past two weeks I've been trying to get healthier and more active. This is going to be a journey for me, obviously. I'm trying to change the way I think, the way I eat, and I'm trying to be more positive about this whole thing.

I have a problem with instant gratification. This has been my problem every time I have tried to lose weight in the past. I'll work out for a couple days, look in the mirror, see no difference, and say eff it. This time around, I am looking at myself as a sort of... project, if you will. Most of my favorite blogs & tv shows are all about the before, the transitioning process, and the after - home decorating, makeup tutorials, DIYs, and the like. I live for the before and after. So I figured, why not take that and apply it to myself? It seems to be working pretty well, I've lost an inch in my waist so far. Sweet, sweet motivation. I haven't completely cut off my bad habits. If I did that I know it wouldn't last and I'd be back to the same old shit. I still enjoy my sweets but I've been trying to replace cake and brownies with healthier alternatives more and more. I have also been doing pilates and am looking for other exercises to do to ramp up my efforts and results.

Not only am I applying this new way of thinking to weight loss, but I'm also bringing it to my closet. I have always loved fashion but I hate shopping for clothes because I'm not happy with my body. But that's no excuse. I can still dress the body I have while working toward the body I want. I know I'm not going to be a skinny, and that's okay. Doesn't mean I can't look awesome. Maybe I'll do some outfit shots from time to time? We'll see..

on the plus side: fat.

The word 'fat' has so many meanings, but in this instance it has a negative connotation.

Friday morning I woke up and was getting ready for work. As I tried on different outfit combinations, I felt my mood going south. It was one of those days where nothing fit right and I just felt large. I examined myself in the mirror, poking at this bulge and that lump, frowning at my reflection. How did I let this happen? How did I allow myself to gain so much weight? It's a hard truth. I'm big. And I have no one to blame but myself.

This post is hard to type. Putting it out there like this... I know some people may read this and judge, but oh well. Eff it.

I pride myself on being able to dress nicely for my figure. But saying that feels conditional. Like when people say, "she's cute... for a big girl". I don't want to dress "nice... for my figure". I don't want my figure to matter - not to me or anyone else. Not as a condition, at least.

I mentioned before that I don't hate my body. Maybe I need to. Maybe that would light a fire under my ass to do something constructive. But how can you make yourself hate yourself? And why would you want to? I know that's not the answer. I just need to stop making excuses for myself. I can't just look at the mirror that flatters me. I need to look at the one that shows a fatter me. That was corny, I'm sorry. But really, it's time for me to be accountable to myself. My birthday is right around the corner. I don't want to look into the mirror next year only to see the same body, or worse, an even larger one. With all the starts and stops I've had, I could have been a lot healthier and happier by now...

This is the part where I would resolve to do this and that, but I won't do that this time. I already know what I need to do.

It's time to put up or shut up.

i remember this part...

When I quit my job I forgot how annoying it can be to be at home all the damn time. My parents, whom I love dearly, are driving me crazy with the running up and down the steps to get food [mom and her bad back], the political talks ALL THE TIME [dad], and the constant arguing over dumb shit [mom & dad]. My one bestie is in PSU [Shadow Fanatic. And I know she's gonna go there so I'll beat her to the punch - I didn't get to visit her.], and my babe is in Maryland [he can only visit but so much]. I have other friends of course. Sunshine works at my old job, and I see her and her fiance [my favorite couple] fairly often but who wants to have the same visitor all the time? I don't want to wear out my welcome. I have been getting back in touch with some college friends, so that's been a good distraction but they all live pretty far.

All of that is to say that I'm friggin' bored. There's only so many websites where I can e-shop for my future apartment and even that's getting boring. There's really no point to this post other than to complain and kill some time. I may even post again after this. Yippee!

minus a job, plus a new phone

Yesterday was my last day of work. I felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders as I left the building.

And then my phone crapped out on me. Of course I had exactly one month before I could get a full upgrade. Perfect timing. So I had to get a new one because mine wouldn't work at all. Oh well, no big deal. Then the new one was defective so I had to go back today and get it replaced. I'm good to go now though.

Besides that little hiccup, I'm feeling good. I don't plan on sitting on my ass until I move. I have shit to do. I've been keeping up with the no soda thing and becoming more conscious of what I'm eating. As you can see in my sidebar, I'm down three pounds. I thought I was down five, but I had my starting weight wrong. Thanks Wii Fit. So along with losing weight, I need to work on becoming a licensed driver. Starting with my permit. I know, I know. I'm 24 years old with no permit. Shuddup. That's about to change. I also need to start my job search in Maryland again. March is right around the corner. Let's hope I'll have better luck this time.

I'm ready. I'm excited.