OtPS: A Better Me

For serious this time, y'all!

For the past two weeks I've been trying to get healthier and more active. This is going to be a journey for me, obviously. I'm trying to change the way I think, the way I eat, and I'm trying to be more positive about this whole thing.

I have a problem with instant gratification. This has been my problem every time I have tried to lose weight in the past. I'll work out for a couple days, look in the mirror, see no difference, and say eff it. This time around, I am looking at myself as a sort of... project, if you will. Most of my favorite blogs & tv shows are all about the before, the transitioning process, and the after - home decorating, makeup tutorials, DIYs, and the like. I live for the before and after. So I figured, why not take that and apply it to myself? It seems to be working pretty well, I've lost an inch in my waist so far. Sweet, sweet motivation. I haven't completely cut off my bad habits. If I did that I know it wouldn't last and I'd be back to the same old shit. I still enjoy my sweets but I've been trying to replace cake and brownies with healthier alternatives more and more. I have also been doing pilates and am looking for other exercises to do to ramp up my efforts and results.

Not only am I applying this new way of thinking to weight loss, but I'm also bringing it to my closet. I have always loved fashion but I hate shopping for clothes because I'm not happy with my body. But that's no excuse. I can still dress the body I have while working toward the body I want. I know I'm not going to be a skinny, and that's okay. Doesn't mean I can't look awesome. Maybe I'll do some outfit shots from time to time? We'll see..

on the plus side: fat.

The word 'fat' has so many meanings, but in this instance it has a negative connotation.

Friday morning I woke up and was getting ready for work. As I tried on different outfit combinations, I felt my mood going south. It was one of those days where nothing fit right and I just felt large. I examined myself in the mirror, poking at this bulge and that lump, frowning at my reflection. How did I let this happen? How did I allow myself to gain so much weight? It's a hard truth. I'm big. And I have no one to blame but myself.

This post is hard to type. Putting it out there like this... I know some people may read this and judge, but oh well. Eff it.

I pride myself on being able to dress nicely for my figure. But saying that feels conditional. Like when people say, "she's cute... for a big girl". I don't want to dress "nice... for my figure". I don't want my figure to matter - not to me or anyone else. Not as a condition, at least.

I mentioned before that I don't hate my body. Maybe I need to. Maybe that would light a fire under my ass to do something constructive. But how can you make yourself hate yourself? And why would you want to? I know that's not the answer. I just need to stop making excuses for myself. I can't just look at the mirror that flatters me. I need to look at the one that shows a fatter me. That was corny, I'm sorry. But really, it's time for me to be accountable to myself. My birthday is right around the corner. I don't want to look into the mirror next year only to see the same body, or worse, an even larger one. With all the starts and stops I've had, I could have been a lot healthier and happier by now...

This is the part where I would resolve to do this and that, but I won't do that this time. I already know what I need to do.

It's time to put up or shut up.

on the plus side: bad habits

Note: I'd like to start a little feature-type thing on this here blog. It'll keep me writing and hopefully will motivate me in one of my 2011 accomplishments: dealing with my weight. And so I present On the Plus Side. I decided to call it that because I am a positive person, and that's how I want to deal with this. I don't hate my body but I know I need to treat myself better. I'm sure I'm not the first person to come up with the title, so I apologize to anyone who has already established it.

I've never been a skinny, save for the years before puberty and the few months I was having stomach issues that caused me to drop 40 pounds in two months. Once my stomach problems were resolved, I gained the weight back and then some. Not cute at all. I'm happy to say that I've never been prone to depression about my weight or anything else, but that doesn't mean I like what I see in the mirror. I know how to dress for my body type and am okay with myself clothed, but I avoid looking at myself naked. It sucks, but I know it's my own damn fault. I have some bad habits, y'all.

My biggest issue is soda. I love the sweetness. I love the burn. I hate to admit it but I drink soda every day. Sometimes more than once a day. I also have a crazy sweet tooth. Chocolate, cookies, cake, brownies, ice cream. Gimme. I love it. Now add those bad habits to the fact that I work in a mall, and you see my problem. My parents always try to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing, but then they'll go out and buy a case of soda and a box of tasty kakes. It's a problem. I have no willpower when it's in the house. That's not their problem though, I understand that. I need to get my shit together. My little brother used to be heavy, but over a short period of time somehow managed to lose a ton of weight with magic and mystery. Seriously, he lives off of pizza, hot wings, and strombolis. It's like his metabolism was beaten into submission by grease and realized that it needed to get to work if it wanted to stand a chance. I don't understand that crazy mess.

I hate vegetables and I hate being tired and sweaty but I know I need to get active and cut the crap from my diet. We have a Wii Fit that I used once and I have the master of workout dvds, The 30 Day Shred. I have no excuse. I'm hoping to get married next year and I don't want to be this heavy when I walk down the aisle. It's time for me to eliminate my bad habits and develop good ones.

The first thing I know has to go is my beloved soda. No more Pepsi, Sprite, Orange or Pineapple Fanta. And goodbye Cherry Crush, I'll miss you the most. Hello, daily exercise. I hate you but maybe one day we can be friends. Or at least be civil.

Tomorrow morning I'll start tracking my weight in my sidebar. Also, if anyone has any good recipes that make vegetables not taste like death, or if you have any tips, suggestions, or recommendations, email me at heydiddybop at gmail dot com.